Loving a missing lover
Hannah Williams
Unappreciated, unseen, unknown
The sacrificial love of another
Parallel in memories, but not shown
The pain of loving a no-longer-lover
Fighting the wicked demon of disease
Unequipped, unready but undeterred
Fighting a demon with no expertise
Without hearing the thanks deserved
Surely promised in sickness and in health
Yet the challenge of loving in sickness
Larger with unreciprocated love
This hard, one-sided love can be viscous
Resilience unmatched by another
A caregiver loving a missing lover
I wrote the poem ‘loving a missing lover’ after observing a virtual primary care consultation whereby our GP discussed the challenges of being the primary caregiver. This patient was a caregiver for her husband who had become quite ill and has decreased cognitive function. She highlighted how she found it difficult to take care of a loved one, especially when it was very one-sided and almost entirely unreciprocated.
I decided to write a poem, specifically a sonnet about this experience as I felt this story justified a love poem. A sonnet is a 14-lined poem generally based around the concept of love. This patient really emphasised the emotions behind being a caregiver to her partner, and I thought I could explore and portray these emotions through the medium of a sonnet.
During this encounter I learned a lot about the challenges of being a caregiver to a loved one. I initially under-appreciated how emotionally and physically draining it is to care for another person 24/7 without any really training or expertise. I also hadn’t acknowledged how being a caregiver affected the relationship between the two individuals until the patient described that it felt like she was looking after someone who was ‘dead behind the eyes’. I remember the patient getting quite emotional when she discussed this, which emphasised how difficult it can be to look after a loved one who doesn’t reciprocate any feelings or give any thanks. I now feel I have an insight into how taxing it must be, especially considering as the patient described not having enough respite to enjoy activities as an individual. She describes that she felt a loss of sense of self, which I now better understand to be quite traumatising: she described being unable to see friends, unable to spend some time on herself or even simply go for a long walk without fear of leaving her partner alone for too long. The whole experience certainly changed my appreciation for caregivers, which I now view as the unsung heroes of healthcare.
While creating this sonnet, I gathered an appreciation of how experiences can be represented through art. The process of selecting words and phrases to best describe my emotions was a difficult but rewarding process. As an individual that personally struggles to be open with their feelings, I enjoyed the simplicity of expression through poetry. I hope I was able to capture the raw emotions that the patient described to us so intimately, as it certainly was an awakening to the world of caregiving and the struggles of loving someone with a severe illness who can’t necessarily ‘love you back’ in the same ways that they potentially used to.
Effective Consulting, Year One, 2021
The poem demonstated the harsh truth of caring for someone and the responsibilities you must uphold. It provoked the thought of losing ones own self identiy after caring for someone so long. The balance of ensuring ones ownself worth and also loving someone to a healthy extent. The author reflected on this well and enhanced their ability to empathise and look beyond the surface of a patients life. The poem delved into the process of a doctor holistic approach into a patients life, thinking not only about physical ailments but including mental wellbeing. I was especially impacted by “the pain of loving a no-longer-lover”, the thought of unrequited love being dealt with on a daily basis due to your partners illness but still being there for them and caring for them regardless.
This poem gives an insightful view into the challenging realities of caring for a loved one with decreased cognitive function. The author has shown how lonely this process can be and describes this love as sacrificial, showing that they have gained a deeper understanding of the one-sidedness of this type of care. I thought the line “This hard, one-sided love can be viscous,” was profoundly upsetting to me as I envisage love as being a natural free flowing emotion, not an uphill struggle. Also, I find beauty in how despite the lack of expertise and the struggle of caring for their lover, the partner remains “undeterred,” I believe this is the ultimate way of showing their love. It is important to remember for those working in healthcare that although there is great beauty in unconditional love and care like this, there is also great difficulty, and we should strive to support those in this position wherever possible.
The poem reveals an unseen struggle of caregivers. Often the struggles of the patient is seen as the focus as one would expect which results in the overshadowing of the struggles of those around them. The poem highlights how difficult it is to be a caregiver to a patient, to love someone when they physically cannot reciprocate and doing it not out of anything else but pure love and promise.