No one
Alka Mepani
2No one understands,
3Why I can’t go out alone, bear to touch anyone and constantly am washing my hands
4And no one understands,
5How it feels to wake up everyday hating your existence, covered in self-inflicted brands.
6No one can succeed,
7In helping me to become normal, whatever that is; it’s death I need
8And no one can succeed,
9In numbing the anger, pain and helplessness I feel, so I make myself bleed.
10No one can feel,
11The pain rippling through my head, how difficult each day is, an agonising ordeal
12And no one can feel,
13What it’s like to have two voices in your head, constantly fighting, it’s f****** unreal.
14No one…
15No one can believe,
16How easy it is for me to detach myself from a seemingly happy situation and develop an uncontrollable urge to leave
17And no one can believe,
18That a single hug from my niece, without regretting it straight after, is something I’ll never be able to achieve.
19No one can be shown,
20What it feels like to have a mind in your body, that’s not your own (if only…)
21And no one can be shown,
22How utterly hopeless I feel, with only alcohol and blades to comfort me when I feel so alone.
23No one will ever know what it is like to be me, because to be honest, it’s something even I cannot see.
24No one…
1: this line shows the hesitation June presented when we initially started talking with her. It was clear she was very anxious and nervous about coming in; she explicitly mentioned this and this became more apparent when she stuttered and trailed off her sentences. Sadly, even a simple trip to the practice was extremely difficult for June.
2-5: during this time, June opens up about her disorders, including her OCD and self-harming, a mechanism she uses to cope with the pressures that her OCD piles onto her. At multiple points during our consultation, June made it transparent that she did not want to be alive and would have preferred for her mother to have miscarried her. For this reason, I chose to include this feeling of self-hatred she felt constantly as not only did it affect me emotionally, but also it illustrated how just one disorder (in this case OCD), could have such a massive impact on a persons outlook of life.
6-9: the idea of normality was mentioned when June was asked about her OCD. She quite simply put it in the words “I just want to be normal, whatever that is.” I found it interesting how she used the word normal; in my eyes, normal should never be used to describe a person, as a person is an individual and an individual is unique. By this time, June seemed to be more comfortable talking with us and was able to go through the emotional impact her conditions were having on her.
10-13: at this point, June was maintaining a continuously flowing description of her life and felt comfortable enough to attempt to put across everything she was feeling. I sensed a hint of anger in the tone of her voice whilst she was talking about her self-harming and OCD. I could tell she didn’t want either conditions; she didn’t want to be controlled by her OCD and she didn’t want to be compelled to self-harm because she was controlled by her OCD. In any case, this anger she generated on a daily basis probably worsened her self harming, making her feel even worse.
14: June broke down. It all got a bit much for her and she began crying. We said nothing and waited for her to regain some composure. Being conscious of her OCD, I found this moment difficult – not being able to reassure her with a comforting hand but was overwhelmed with happiness as I watched her confidence flood back, in little time. I wish she were aware of how strong she really was.
15-18: June explained her OCD receives mixed reactions from family members; although some ‘understand’ and are very helpful towards her, others are completely at loss when trying to empathize with her and sometimes choose to completely ignore the impact ‘little things’ have on her. She finds it incredibly difficult to do simple things like hug her niece and enjoy the moment without constantly thinking about her next shower, something she says a ‘normal’ person wouldn’t do.
19-22: I used ‘(if only…) ’ as June said she would probably be happy if she could have a brain transplant, something that will never be possible. It was fascinating that the physical conditions she suffers from (fibromyalgia and sciatica) were something she had pushed to the back of her mind as would be happy to live with if them if it meant her June was gone.
23: By the end of our conversation it seemed June had worn out her thoughts so much, that she was unable to put what she was going through into words. Even though she has had the condition for over 20 years, it was apparent that she still didn’t fully understand it and how it was affecting her and found it next to impossible to explain it to someone.
24: I chose to end the poem in the same line it began with to show the vicious, never-ending cycle June goes through every single day. The cyclic structure of the poem also mirrors the circle in which she is trapped in; OCD-Self harm-OCD- Self harm etc.
The repetition of the words ‘No one’ echoes the repetitive nature of June’s actions because of her OCD. It also emphasises how isolated her condition makes her feel and that ‘No one’, including those with the same conditions, will ever know what she is going through. I for one agree with her and respect the strength she has to maintain to cope with her conditions. I feel privileged to have met and been told her story and although she believes everyone negatively judges her, I hope I was able to show her otherwise, as all I felt was pure admiration towards her.
The opening line ending in an ellipsis initially gives insight into how the patient is struggling to verbally express her emotions. She swiftly picks up a rhythm in conveying her experience of living with this condition on a daily basis, though not explaining the percieved reasoning behind her thoughts. She does acknowledge she feels beyond help from other people. The repetition of the words “no one” confirms this, bringing us back to the beginning when she had difficultly talking about such a subject.
You can infer the patient’s anger at the way she had been, almost, ‘cursed’ with these conditions; why she must suffer with the daily consequences whilst no one is able to offer any relief. This is where she begins to mention death and the way she has found a small sense of comfort in getting away from her thoughts, if only for a second.
Mid way though, the initial line is repeated, with the ellipsis showing the exhaustion that follows merely speaking about her experience. From this point on, the tone of the patient’s words are that of the resignation that has been placed upon her, never hoping for the way she feels to stop, but knowing the only way she can get through it is with “alcohol and blades”.
The ending line, once again repeating the opening line, brings up back to what we have just read from the start, with a new perspective, working as a way to convey the repetition the patient feels from her conditions: anger at the situation; a negative thought or action; temporary relief in the form of self-destruction; sadness and hopelessness in the realisation that this is her life; repeat.