Conscious
Gloriana Suri
Poetry
‘Think of something nice,’ she said
As the pillow cradled, caressed my head.
Just a week before I lay in pain,
Now all of it would go away.
I thought of a pretty place
As the plastic air covered my face,
Suffocating,
Trying to drown me into a lake of nothingness as the hours would go by
To try and save my diseased life.
Calmness rippled over me,
Blackness darker than any depth of the sea
As my eyelids closed naturally.
Quiet torrents of whirring followed a while after my slumber was induced,
Voices grew and mumbled.
Then agony.
Pain gripped me, a wave of turbulence,
Dragging me like a rip current out of the sleep.
I could smell the plastic again
The blinding light piecing through my taped eyelids.
A burning waft, clattering tools, light chatter.
Every sensation was alive,
I was aware, conscious, awake again.
The monitor beeping, my body screaming,
What was this nightmare?
Wide awake but not able to move,
Time passed as I lay in agony.
The clock ticked,
The procedure continued,
I think I lost all sense of reality.
Finally, I slipped back into oblivion
But horrific memories would be what would follow.
What came was tormenting PTSD
Which gripped me like nothing I’d ever believe.
Nights of sleep disturbed by misery
Of when cognizant torture ruled over me.
My disease was turned down on the controlling scale,
But the thoughts of the process would dominate my brain.
For months I struggled in its tormenting chains
But with support it dulled down and diluted the pain.
Now I’ve grown stronger, overcome the tragedy
Of when I suffered consciousness during a life changing surgery.
I wrote the poem ‘Conscious’ after a patient encounter on GP placement. The patient had a long history of living with a chronic and life-changing disease for which they had to undergo several surgeries to alleviate some of the patient’s daily struggles. During one of the patient’s many surgeries they suffered from a rare phenomenon – ‘anaesthetic awareness’, during which the patient gained consciousness whilst being under anaesthetic. This means the patient can potentially feel pain and is aware of their surrounding whilst the surgical team may not be aware of this – due to blocking agents which cause temporary paralysis during surgery. This patient then developed severe Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD) as this was an extremely frightening experience and something they could never have imagined would happen during a routine surgery. The shock of the situation in addition to recovery after this major surgery really took a toll on the patient’s mental health. They received a lot of support, particularly from family who they are very close to. This support, over many months, led to their physical and emotional recovery.
I found this consultation with the patient very interesting especially since anaesthetic awareness is very rare. From reading some papers, the number of patients who gain awareness during operations with recall of the events is around 0.1%. This being said, there is a procedure that is followed after these events occur in addition to providing sufficient support for the patient’s mental health.
I wanted to write a poem to try and understand how horrifying it must have been for the patient from their perspective as well as raising awareness about this phenomenon as it is so rare. Additionally, I wanted to highlight the fact that they recovered from the PTSD through support, and that the scheduled surgery aided their medical condition in the long-term which really benefited this patient’s life. I was amazed by the patient’s resilience in handling the traumatic events and how positive and determined they were about their future and family. This made me realise the strength that patients have – despite many tragic events and was something I found inspiring.
After talking about the events further with the patient, they stated that ‘feeling heard’ after the experience was something that really helped in their recovery and processing of the events. They found that ‘being taken seriously’ was a way that they knew the GP was actually interested in understanding their problems and helping with both their acute illness and PTSD journeys. This further highlighted to me how important it is to be empathetic, caring and good at listening to the patient to ensure they both feel heard and cared for. I think this is such a simple act that can be missed easily in the stresses of hospitals and healthcare yet is integral to helping a patient thrive.
Effective Consulting, Year One, 2021
0 Comments